If movie theatres were like schools…

Alright now listen…just wanted to squeeze this post in for fun.
* = one of my students came up with it
Full credit for inspiration for this goes to a blog post from Peter Hilts and a tweet from Mathew Stublefield about http://bit.ly/BsSJt

If movie theaters were like schools…

Everyone would sit in alphabetical order.

If you laughed at the car crash you would have to leave and talk to the guidance counselor.

There would be IEPs in place for the guys so that they could sit through an entire chick flick.

There would be no candy or soda allowed.

By 2012, NMLB law would have all children ready to view rated R movies.

If you showed up to the movie late you would be given a detention.

If you tried to leave early the manager would haul you back in.

If your cell phone goes off the staff will confiscate it.

You would have to pause the movie and write a blog post reflecting on why they would name the starship the “Enterprise.”

You would have to enter and exit the theater in two straight lines.

The movies you watched would be chosen for you.

Once a month you would have to watch a movie about a culture other than your own.

*Everyday you would have to watch action movies first, then drama, then romances, then horror.  There would be no movies allowed that crossed genre lines like romantic dramas.

*Any movie over 50 minutes long would be completed the next day

*Can’t watch previews of what is upcoming until movie is over.

*Can’t pee while movie is going on

*Any B movie would have to be re-made until it is a hit.

If no one spoke for the entire movie you would get a blue star on the board.

*The opening sequence of rules would be 2 hours long.

*You can’t leave the theater with a friend to go to their house unless you have a note from your mother.

*If you are sick and can’t watch a movie the next day you have to watch twice as many movies.

*There would be no cursing in the movies.

*They would take out the air conditioning and install two small fans.

*There would be five screens but only two projectors.

When the projectors break you would have to role play the characters in the movie.

All the incorrigible viewers would have to watch Marley and Me until they cried.

Popcorn would be ordered in bulk from Frey Scientific and cost $25 per pound.

The ushers would have to be certified, have 30 hours of credits, pass two tests, and practice ushering with another usher who sat through a 6 hour workshop on how to teach ushering before being hired.

People would be bused across town because watching the movie with a diverse audience will bring more peace and harmony.

Every movie theater in the city would be playing the same movie at the same time.

There would be no comedies shown.

You could watch movies, but not create movies.

Ushers would have PD on how to check and see if the audience is watching the movie, but none on making movies.

You are not allowed to boo, only cheer for movies.

If the males didn’t like watching movies when they get older it IS NOT because they had to learn how to watch movies by watching Beaches, An Officer and a Gentleman, Dirty Dancing, Ice Castles, and Flashdance.

Ushers in the black-and-white movies would be hand writing letters to their loved ones.

Ushers in the 3-D movies would be twittering to one another on their phones wondering why the ushers in the black-and-white movies are still hand writing letters with more than 140 characters.


  1. The movies would be stopped about every 10 minutes or so and the audience would have to have a discussion about what just happened and predict what will happen next.

    Audience would be pre-tested before the movie to see what they already knew about it, then tested again after the movie to see what they’d learned. If you didn’t remember all the little details and facts, you’d be assigned summer movie viewing activities.

    Interesting analogy, even if it’s a little off-base in parts, IMO. It makes a point.

  2. Actually, I’m okay with a couple of those rules! I’d totally go to a theater that confiscated cellphones.

    Just being assigned to see Marley and Me would make me cry.

  3. Thanks for this great post. I would love to rewrite in UK English with UK cultural references – would you mind if I did this (with credit to you!?)

    I would add to the list (maybe UK specific): Only healthy food can be purchased in the foyer so no salt or sugar can be on popcorn but students can bring in whatever they like from the shop across the road.

  4. Thanks for this because it made me smile. It really puts things in perspective. Now I’m thinking about other aspects of my life and what it would be like if it was in school.

    1. Pat-I really like the idea of taking school “rules” and applying it to my life. It makes me realize that some of the things I do are quite silly. I also like to go from the angle of if “If I broke that rule as an adult, what would be the consequences, or how would my ‘superior’ treat me.”

  5. Paul, thank you for the laughs. This really does make me think about why we do some of the things we do….

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