And yes, recognizing our own hurts & weaknesses and how they affect us is a great way to feel for others. Whoops, my response to this has become so lengthy, I just cut & paste the rest of it into my own blog post: Deliver Bad News With Empathy.

Thanks Paul, once again you offer a banquet of food for thought.

On the other hand, I’ve got lots of kids who come through my classroom who have almost no control or stability in their lives. One of the best things I can do for them is to give them the structure that they are missing everywhere else. Some of my students desperately need someone to hold them accountable – to say, “Hey – I see you and I respect you enough to hold you to a reasonable standard. I’m here to help, but you have responsibilities to meet.”
A lot of these guys have never had a role model of responsibility and need a structure somewhere in their lives to help teach them that. The really hard part is trying to figure out who needs a break and who needs the structure.

I don’t know if this is related or not, but I thought you’d appreciate this story:

I had a girl in my homeroom and Social Studies class this year – let’s call her Meg – who meets the world head-on. Everything is a personal challenge to her. That can be a good thing, but she has always had trouble distinguishing between a challenge and conflict.

Throughout the first half of this year, Meg fought me on EVERYTHING. I couldn’t make any kind of statement or give any directions without her getting in my face and challenging me on it. I worked really hard at not taking it personally, but I also made sure that she kept things school-appropriate and was respectful. I called HER on any behavior that wasn’t worthy of her. It was a rough five or six months.

By the end of the year, these head-butting sessions had really decreased and we had even gotten to the point where we could kid around with each other a little.

About a week before the end of school, she came into homeroom with her end-of-year portfolio. One of the essays most of our students write is about their favorite teacher over the past eight years. I asked Meg if I could look at her portfolio and she handed it over. I was planning to leaf through it and make some joke like, “Ohhh! Look, Meg’s favorite teacher is Mr. FLAAAAAAAADD!!”

To my surprise, I actually was.

The statement that really stuck with me was, “Mr. Fladd isn’t my friend. That’s not his job. He does something more important – he makes sure I learn.”

I’m not a warm/fuzzy teacher and there are times when I wonder if I’m taking the right path in the way I teach, but this was a very satisfying moment. I can’t speak for all my students, but I know that I read my relationship with at least one of my students right. It feels good.

Anyway, congratulations on completing another year in the Hogwartsy labyrinth of middle school education and congratulations on staying true to your vision.

- John

This is an amazingly honest and touching post. Very sorry about your dog….Very happy that you look inside yourself and try to see kids for the mound of baggage that they are. One of the things I always tried to have people understand when I led an At-Risk team…”If you had that kids life and experiences, you would act the same way.” Not that I want to make excuses for kids, because there is some control that can be exercised, but they are kids and have volatile emotions.

Thanks for this gentle and loving reminder. You make us all more humane people. I am so glad I read your blog regularly!